With less than a week to go until the start of the season, Norwich are beginning to feature in a few more articles and previews. Our story is a good one but each article seems to bear a striking similarity to the last. It’s almost as if we caught the national press unaware with our rapid rise, and as such they’re forced to fill inches with stock phrases and references to make up for their shocking lack of information. I mean, there’s basically a formula to writing a story about Norwich. And it goes thusly:
[Insert remark commenting on Norwich’s rapid rise] [Insert similarity to Blackpool, because they play in Orange and we play in Yellow] [Generic praise for Paul Lambert] [Crap pun about Delia]
[Recount story of Lambert winning 7-1 with Colchester before becoming manager, because no one has heard this before]
[Lambert quote – “lend the boys a hand…brilliant…club was on its knees”] [Remind reader that Norwich finished third back in 1993]
[Crap pun about Delia]
[Remark about Norwich’s lack of experience] [Tell people who Grant Holt is] [Crap pun about Delia and/or cooking] [Lambert quote – “Holtys been brilliant”]
[Tell reader that Lambert cut his teeth in Germany] [Fuel speculation that Lambert will go to Celtic] [Lambert quote – “No”] [Speculate more]
[Crap pun about cooking]
[Try to appear knowledgeable about our style of play while putting the wrong picture next to a player or liken us to Stoke] [Lambert quote – “Brilliant. The lads are brilliant. Couldn’t ask for more. The whole place needed a lift”]
[Finish article with gloomy prediction for season ahead, liken us to Blackpool again, comment on Delia and/or cooking and use one of the following phrases – chirping, soaring, flying, wings clipped and swift relegation]
These are all now on the banned list. References to Lambert taking over, his coaching in Germany, crap observations about our style of play and the general impression that we are the sporting wing of a cookery firm are on the banned list. Newspapers or journalists engaging in such lazy generalisations will be named and heartily mocked.
Recommended reading: This from todays Guardian preview (at least it attempts humour), this piece of crap from Football365 and honestly if you’re really bored you can feast your eyes on the juggernaut of shit over at the Bleacher Report. Honestly, I guess the main writer (a James Kent) is well meaning and a Norwich fan, but get away from that place. Five contenders to be our top goalscorer? Four players with uncertain futures? Is anything not in list form? And the featured article is five years old. Brilliant.